August 1, 2021 14:10

Hey Media

Here’s another story for you to steal without attribution:

  • This week, a brand new academy class, 20-4, started over here at Fort Fellatio.. ahem, sorry: Fort Covid.

    The city went all-out, dug deep, pulled out their big guns and raked in huge numbers for this new class. They searched all across the city, county, state and great land of ours to find these new jacks. And found a grand total of… 26 people, to become the newest members of our big blue family.

    26 recruits. 26. Twenty-six……. That’s all the city could come up with.

    You can’t cover a month of retirements with 26 recruits. You can barely cover a fucking baseball team. The last class was under 40, the one before that under 40, the one before that under 50. God help us.

The Department is literally a year away from a real crisis. You can see it in these numbers:

  • Dec 2010: 6,428

    Dec 2013: 12,714

    Apr 2016: 8,921
    Apr 2017: 7,437
    Dec 2017: 6,361
    May 2018: 3,720
    Dec 2018: 3,964
    Jun 2019: 897
    Aug 2019: 779

Fun Fact! The last eight exams have been the EXACT SAME EXAM. And no one knows their scores. If they pass, they get a lottery number, so the Academy might get someone who has failed the exam seven previous times, but finally drew a high number this time.

At this rate, we won’t even be getting our RDOs off.

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